You Changed Me Twice Over

You changed me twice over….
Once with love, then with pain
My heart rose to ethereal heights…
It barely could trust again.

You changed me twice over…
I begged, cried, reconciled then.
lips cold, spirit confined…..
Contentment – I learnt to feign.

You changed me twice over….
From adoring, all-believing eyes,
And soul dipped in softness…..
To clenched fists and severed ties.

Scaling heights of passion….
Then numbness regained.
You changed me twice over….
There's no trace of pain.

Belief Realized

In a moment of slumber....
Of a sleepless night
In layers of dreams....
A streak of light

An endorsement
of a belief held.....
Not by logic
only felt

That all's not lost
Its never too late
To learn the trick
that'll twist the fate

We all know
Deep down inside
What all it takes
To turn the tide

Its only love
and love alone
In its purest form
If it is shown

A barrier of ice
It is bound to melt
None of your logic here
It has to be felt.

Innocence, childhood & birthday memories...

My daughter Hiya turns 5 today. We are celebrating at a nearby club, with friends and family. The motto is ~ least hassle, most enjoyment. So, Hiya in a lovely white party frock, is all set to enjoy her special day. Foods, drinks, cake, games, all ready to order. We hardly have to move a finger. The children will enjoy and so will we.
I am suddenly reminded of memories of my birthday celebrations, or rather our birthday celebration as my brother and I have our birthdays on consecutive days, and it was convenient for my mother to celebrate both our birthdays on a single day. We never grudged her that, as we were too happy with the least that we got. My mother bought each of us a packet of toffees to be distributed in school, and I used to feel on the top of the world and very special with the little bit of extra attention that I got from my friends and my teachers.
My brother on the other hand, brought 3/4th of the toffees back, every year, because, after distributing about 15-20 of them, he used to feel alarmed at their quickly dwindling numbers, and would think it wiser to stop the distribution for the day.
Back home, we each had ~ a new dress, were exempted from our daily study routine, a cake to cut, and got to play with all our 'para' friends, and cousins, who would all have been by then, invited over to our place by our PR/para savvy dadi.
After endless rounds of 'lukochuri', 'dark room'which rendered us fatigued, we would be served a fixed birthday menu (which was exactly the same, year after year) of luchi, ghugni/alurdom, and payesh. At times, ghugni/alurdom would be replaced by chicken kosha, but these instances were few and far in between.
Most of the gifts that I received were books, which I was supposed to share with my brother, and perhaps a doll, which, thankfully I did not have to.
I still remember the arrangements and preparations and planning, being done by my ma and dadi, leaning over the stove, their faces red owing to the proximity to the heat and perhaps with a bit of excitement added to it. They had very little resources, but tons of enthusiasm.
That is perhaps the factor, that I lack. Enthusiasm.....I perhaps try to make up with glitz and abundance, and end up giving a 'plastic' birthday to my children.
The question, that arises today in my mind, is that, will my children remember their childhood birthday memories, 30 years hence?? the way that I am doing now??
Am I giving them a childhood that they would like to fondly return to in memories, when life pressurizes them too much.
Perhaps, they will. Perhaps, for each individual, their childhood is unique and precious to him/her, in their own way and perhaps, I have forgotten to identify the simple pleasures and innocence of life.
I really hope that the fault lies in the way, that I am seeing things, in my comparision between two vastly different generations. I really do, both for my sake and for theirs.

Unlimiting myself...pic ~ Jayeeta

 

Gems covered in moss!

There are so many instances/moments in one's lifetime, which seem interesting perhaps at that point of time, but loses its shine, amidst the exuberance of youth, eventually...It so happens that some sort of a triggering factor, brings that memory back to the surface after ages and it is then that one starts evaluating the real value of that long forgotten particular incident...

Way back in 1992, just after my marriage. I was traveling alone by train to Satna, going there to meet my husband, who was in midst of his MD course in APS University, Rewa. I was booked into a first class compartment, with another elderly lady, and her companion, who assured my worried parents repeatedly, that I would be looked after and taken care of.

When the train left the station, and I cared to observe my companion, I noticed that she was a lady endowed with exceptional beauty, grace and poise. Throughout the 20 hours journey, true to her word, she cared for me as my mother would have. Feeding me with food that she had brought from home, slicing apples, peeling oranges for me, putting my blanket in place, when it slipped off during the night.
I got to understand that she was knowledgeable in music, from the way, she was drawing references to music, on and off during our conversations.

When the train had crossed Allahabad, and my destination was drawing close, her companion, taking the advantage of her temporary absence, asked me, if I knew, who she was. When I admitted total ignorance, she told me that I was traveling with the wife of Ustaad Ali Akbar Khan Sahaab of Maihar, of the famed Maihar gharana, and that she did not wish to be recognized. As far as I can recall, she had said that her name was Padmavati Devi.

Unfortunately, at that age, I failed to recognize the significance of that incident, as I was more eager about seeing my husband, after a few months time, and the only thing that I retained in my memory was her motherly care. However, I respected her wish of not being recognized as a celebrity/personality and disembarked at Satna, after touching her feet, with real reverence. It was at this point of time that she asked me to visit her in Maihar, which was quite close to Rewa.

I visited Maihar in a few months time, subsequently, to pray at the temple of Ma Sharada, and the thought of visiting her, did cross my mind. However, my hesitation, about whether she would recognize me at all, won over and I did not venture. Slowly with the passage of time, this particular memory, went into oblivion.

A few days back, during the course of my music lesson, My mentor, Abhirup Guhathakurta, was mentioning something about Baba Alauddin Khan, and I related this incident to him and to the rest of our group. He told me that I am blessed, and that I should pen down this incident as one of the noteworthy incidents in my life. This post is a result of his advice.

Madarihat-Totopara

Barodabri is a small locality within Madarihaat subdivision of Jalpaiguri in North Bengal. Madarihaat is the gateway to the Jaldapara Wild Life Reserve, home to about 50 one-horned rhinos, and this is the place, where the West Bengal forest department has built a forest bungalow.I visited this area around the first week of August, But I think that the best time to visit this place, is late September till February, as on other times as the rains hinder the wildlife sightings, and the reserve is closed from 15th June to 14th September.

The village School

There are a sprinkling of forest dept and tourism dept bungalows in the upper Dooars region, spreading across the Coochbehar and Alipurduar districts. Another attraction of this place is the showcase of the lifestyle of the indigeneous Indo-Bhutanese tribe called the totos, found in a small enclave called Totopara, about 22 kms from Madarihaat. Anthropologists are all agreed on the view that the culture and the lifestyle as well as the language of the Totos are absolutely unique to them. They are distinctly different from the other tribes, of that area, namely the rajbanshis, which is the largest and the koch, which is of tibeto burmese origin and is presently scattered around Assam and Tripura, or the mech.

The entire Toto population is spread across 6 villages, known as Mitragaon, Subbagaon, Pujagaon, Dhumchigaon, Mandalgaon and Panchayatline(gaon). The main source of income for these people is agriculture. Pineapple, betelnut and ginger is grown in abundance. They are mainly animistic, they worship nature.Mawa or wine and roti is their staple diet.

Dry bed of the river Torsha

However, the Toto tribe is severely endangered now owing to their marriage practice. They are endogamous, meaning that they marry within their tribe. This has led to genetic defects in children born out of these marriages, mainly thallasemia. The elders in the tribe are slowly becoming aware of the pitfalls of this endogamous system of marriage, and hopefully will bring about a change in their norms inorder to save the tribe from extiction. The Totos generally do not believe in divorce and live together during their engaged period to find out whether they are compatible or not as partners. If not, they go their separate ways, without much hue or cry.

Author: Jayeeta Sen Roy

22nd Sravan - Kobipronaam

Rabindranath Thakur....What can we term him??

An Icon.....Who has inspired generations......An Inspiration, that has charted a path for bengali-ism......A thought, that has penetrated the bengali psyche to such depth that we seem to carry him in our genes.....or perhaps, our soul mate........someone, who seems to understand each situation that we face and offers a solution.......someone with whom, each of us can identify.

He is so much....that it is difficult to read him, know him, understand him, fathom him, in one lifetime......He has been a Short story writer ~ Novelist ~ Poet ~ Lyricist ~ Composer ~ Painter ~ Essayist.......

But above all he has been a philosopher of the highest order.. My deepest gratitude to the man, who has held my hand in my darkest hour...and shown me the way to light......

" Noyon Chere gele choley.....
Ele Shokol majhey.....
Tomai ami harai jodi....
Tumi Harao na je....."

The Incurable Loner.

Sharp Lights stab my eyes...blinding my vision,
I can barely feel my presence.
The music is unending, monotonous,
Lapping up the last niche of silence.


Voices of thousands form an uniform crescendo,
Defeaning me, jolting me out of my reverie.
I want to hide from myself,
I need to feel free.


Smiling, at masks, at random,
I join in the extravagance.
I reach out, towards togetherness,
Each heart, each hand, seems at an unfathomable distance.


Lack of warmth...blurred faces,
Hover on the fringe of darkness.
They fail to light up my soul....touch my heart,
Or cure my loneliness.

Life Comes A Full Circle

It is my time to reawaken and flower.....
my time to be eager, expectant, hopeful...
of a certain new...
Maybe.... just maybe, all that I have dreamt of...
will rush to fulfill itself,
And why not??
Only for this time, let me be all-believing, innocent,
at peace with myself.
Let me shed all scepticism, all cynicism...
let me cross the threshold of practical considerations,
of preconcieved notions,
born out of years of pain and experience...
Just for this once, let me, believe....

Let me believe, That there is a rainbow, just outside my window....
let me have the courage to accept...
that there may, not be a light in my path always...
But again, let me find the strength,
in the darkest hour...
to light the lamp and paint that rainbow.

The Power of Appreciation!!

I hold the curative powers of appreciation in very high esteem. A genuine phrase, glance or gesture of appreciation can turn even a very bitter and sarcastic mood to a positive and optimistic one. A smile always begets a smile, is what I have seen.

By genuine I mean that a conscious effort needs to be made to find out a streak or aspect ( maybe in the way of looks or nature) in another individual, which deserves appreciation. This repititive conscious effort to look for good in others will make us a positive person, which is no mean gift. and this in turn will help us in finding the goodness which is already everywhere around us.

What about the ugliness then, our cynical and practical mind bounces back to ask. The answer, according to my realizations, is that, everything is there in a platter before us - the good, bad and the ugly, and it for us to pick and choose. Everything is as we behold and perceive.

Bitter Experiences and Consequences

Knowing one's inner self is really tough. I presume, even more tough than trying to know the cosmos. Every ingredient is present within us to make the perfect recipe, as well as the most disastrous dish. Depends on us, as to which ingredient and in what amount, we are using, when.
We hear often, about reaping what we sow, and getting back what we give. But it really takes time, a few grey hairs and a couple of bitter experiences for that realization to really sink in.
Please notice, I mentioned BITTER experiences. Bitter experiences and their fallouts or the consequences are the ones that give us an opportunity to learn. After the dust settles down, we tend to ponder about what had gone wrong, and what can be done in the future to upgrade oneself. Pleasant experiences are breaks in those class rooms. I said classrooms, because each life is a classroom, we are here to learn, So next time that we are passing through a rough patch, This idea may prove to be the silver lining.

Patience, Acceptance & Time

Among all virtues that a human being might possess, the greatest are perhaps, the virtues of patience and acceptance. The ability to be patient in face of adversity or being patient with a fellow human being, and to accept the situation or a person as he/she is, I think wins half the battle for the person who has been blessed with these particular qualities.
With age I have learnt that every problem has a solution, and that even the most complex problems can be sorted out with a generous dose of patience, a spoonful of time and a pinch of acceptance. There is absolutely no reason to be desperate, EVER. So lets give it a try!! Never to late to start, isn't it?

Expectations from a Relationship

Any relationship revolves around a mutual give and take. At times we give more and take less, and vice versa. Each relationship has an equation of giving and receiving, which is unique to it.
From the inception of a relation, slowly, but surely, a pattern emerges, as to how much, each partner is contributing to the growth of the relation, and how much he/she is expecting from it.
So each partner is responsible for etching a limit of expectation in the other's mind by establishing a ritual, a habit of giving a particular thing, perhaps at a particular time.
What happens then, when without asking or informing, any one of the partner withdraws from that pattern? Shock, suffering, pain and hurt surfaces in the mind of the other partner.
The solution perhaps is to not expect anything from anyone. That however, is a hypothetical solution. It is not humanely possible.
Perhaps an attempt at keeping the expectation at a minimal level, consciously, from the start, is a more feasible solution. But, again what is the benchmark of that level?

Being Judgemental

It is in our nature to be judgemental. Especially for us Indians, it is like a national pastime. Whenever we encounter any new situation, meet somebody for the first time, or for that matter, get to see anything which has somehow gone a little bit, out of the normal routine of things, we jump at the opportunity to "sum it up".
Is it possible to judge a situation or a person without reading the situation from all the angles? or for that matter knowing a persons character, attitude or thought processes in its entirety?
Are we really bestowed with the gift of really differentiating between the good and the bad? if we glance minutely at things, we will find them more in shades of gray, than anything else.
Can we just sit back and reflect about why then, are we so opinionated and dogmatic?

A Greenview

The super cyclone whizzed past us. What a relief!! at least we were not hurt. But was'nt it too close a shave?

Who knows, maybe we will be the target of the very next one. A very unpleasant and disconcerting thought? Why waste time over something that has not happened yet, it is a fragment of imagination only and it would be best to push the unpleasant and the ominous to the back of our minds.

But for how long, can we keep on avoiding this time bomb. It is sure to explode, it is only the wait. And then instead of us, somebody else will be reading the newspaper about the calamity.

We have brought it upon ourselves. The extremities in climate, the terrible tropical storms, to the incessant rainfall and floods in one place, to the famine in another part owing to lack of rains, the Tsunami, and the slow but steady extinction of many many species. They are gone for good. And we will be gone for good too, before long.

It was all in our hands, and it is still in our hands. We need to think, realize and act. Act pretty fast too. Let us not insulate ourselves in a false sense of security, because what has touched even one human life today, is sure to touch me either today or tomorrow or day after. But it is sure to touch.

Soul Searching

A dream stirrs a memory
long buried under pages of incidents and layers of logic.

A vision - of my endless search for my soulmate,
across time, consciousness and realms.

We have braved the ravages of time.
Have endured, together the traumas of shared lifetimes

We have experienced reassuring dawns,
and seen the timid approach of dusks.
Together, we have marvelled at the innocent beauty of our sleeping child.

We have walked hand in hand with crunching leaves beneath our feet.
And the moonlight bathing our souls.

I know-I have returned again to renew my search,
to go through all the trials and triumphs of this life,
To be able to feel complete again.

I owe this to myself....in this life, and to many more after this.
To live, love and share with him,
every moment of my being.

I must return.
I will return.

A moment with me!!

A moment with myself....
When, in a flash,
I get a glimpse of the real me, the deepest me,
the truth, bereft of all the obligations, incumbent in this lifetime...........
When, the emotional oppressions, clouding my senses, fades...........
When, the, vagaries of life taking a toll on my optimism, settles down to a plane in my mind,
When, in my mind's eye, the larger design of nature, opens up like the petals of a bud,
releasing the fragrance, that it had hidden in its bosom,
giving itself, to soothe my frayed nerves...................
It is at this eternal, magical moment, that......
I am one with You.

Author: Jayeeta Sinha Roy

If Only I Could...

If only I could............
hold the silvery ripples of the moon on water,
walk alone, on a red dusty path, towards nowhere,
relive the moment, when I held my child for the first time...
hold onto my mother and cry, like I did as a child,

If only I could
dream of a tomorrow, stripped of pain,
break the barriers that keep us apart,
see the sheer ecstasy of just being together, reflected in your eyes.
hear and count your heartbeats, again,
and sing, such that a tear would roll down your face........
If only I could................

Author: Jayeeta Sinha Roy